


You Know Who I Am

by Bizarra



Series: My Heart Is Home [2]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Episode: s05e19 The Fight, F/M, Merry Month of Cohen, Post-Endgame, Sequel to My Heart Is Home
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:28:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24198958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bizarra/pseuds/Bizarra
Summary: In this Sequel to My Heart Is Home, set Ten Years after Voyager's Return, Chakotay's mind is still in the Delta Quadrant.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Series: My Heart Is Home [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1746490
Comments: 25
Kudos: 44
Collections: Caught The Darkness (Star Trek Fandom Event - May 2020), Love Run Free J/C Collection





	You Know Who I Am

**Author's Note:**

> This is not the story I intended to write, but this is the story that ended up being the most poignant.
> 
> Thank you so much to A_Modern_Girl for the wonderful beta. You helped make this better. :)

Sequel to My Heart Is Home

_I cannot follow you, my love,_  
_you cannot follow me._  
_I am the distance you put between_  
_all of the moments that we will be._  
_ Words and music by Leonard Cohen _

2388  
Admiral Kathryn Janeway stopped at the wooden front door of her house and traced a light finger over the intricately carved roses. She inhaled deeply, held it a moment before exhaling forcefully. She leaned closer to the door, hoping to hear something. Anything would be better than the silence she heard most often upon returning home from work.

She’d seen the Doctor that afternoon and he had triumphantly informed her that he, along with his research team, thought they had finally found the answer they had been waiting for. The heartbreaking paradox was that it was too late for the source of their quest. The medical breakthrough could help millions, but not the one for whom it had originally been intended.

She closed her eyes to shore up the threatening tears. Tears she’d been shedding for the last few hours. At the sound of the whooping yell from the other side of the door, a sob wound its way from her throat. Make that years - tears she’d been shedding for years.

Kathryn shook her head and stood straight. She blew out another breath and opened the door. She found her husband bounding on the floor, playing with an invisible creature. Kathryn smiled softly as she stepped forward into the living room. “Did you find a friend?”

Chakotay’s silver-topped head popped up as if he’d been caught out and he stood as quickly as his advancing years allowed. “Admiral!” His stance was rigid, not quite at attention, but not quite parade rest either. He glanced around as if looking for someone. “Where is Kathryn?”

The admiral gave him a soft smile and started to reach forward, but halted the movement. “I’ll go and get her.” She glanced at the floor, “your friend is waiting.” She watched with a heavy heart as he smiled broadly and almost dove to the floor to continue his tussling. She turned quickly, before the tears could reemerge and left the room.

In the bedroom, Kathryn quickly shed her uniform. She slipped into a comfortable dress and released her graying hair from it’s Starfleet mandated confines to lay straight just past her shoulders. Satisfied that her transition was complete, Kathryn Janeway, ten-year wife of Chakotay, son of Kolopak, left the bedroom. 

She turned the corner to find him sitting quietly on the floor, studying something in his hands. She crouched down and reached out, noting he held nothing, but encouraging his hallucination. “What do you have there?”

He started at her sudden proximity, but his eyes sparkled when he looked at her. “Kathryn!” Chakotay threw his arms around her and hugged her tightly, forgetting, in the excitement, his invisible cargo. “I missed you! Were you catching bugs?” He held his cupped hand out, “I caught one for you.” 

Her hand lifted to brush a hank of hair from his eyes, “Thank you, my dear one. I’ll add it to the collection.” She let him tip the imaginary insect into her waiting hand. Kathryn warmly smiled, “How are our tomatoes?” She knew this would perk him up. It always did. 

His eyes brightened with joy and excitement. Chakotay used the arm of the couch as support and rose, “I tended them this afternoon. We have a few ripe ones.” He held his hand to her, “Come see!” Kathryn took his hand and let him lead her through the patio door to the small patch in the back.

They stopped at the nearly chin-level vines of Talaxian tomatoes that comprised three rows of the vegetable garden. It also grew zucchini, peas, beets, turnips, one stalk of leola root — because Chakotay had insisted — carrots, lettuce, and strawberries — because Kathryn had insisted. 

Taking a step forward, Kathryn walked between the plants, looking them over. The vines were heavy with the rounded fruits in varying size and ripeness. Several were large, plump, and ready to be harvested. She reached and expertly plucked a fist-sized one off its stem and turned to her husband. She crooked her lips and held it up, “How about tomato sandwiches for dinner?”

Chakotay's face lit with a broad dimpled smile and he nodded with excitement. He helped her pick enough to satisfy their appetites, then moved to the other plants, checking their progress. Kathryn noted with a heavy heart that the wisdom of his age was only apparent when he totally focussed on a task he enjoyed. He stopped at the edge of the plot and turned with a downward point of his free hand. “Kathryn, we have strawberries too!” 

Laughter bubbled from her throat at his simple joy. He was like a kid in a candy store. “Then I guess we’ll have shortcake for dessert!” She relieved him of the three tomatoes he carried. “Well, get to pickin’.” She pressed a kiss to his cheek and stepped back when he crouched and plunged his hands into the plants, intent on finding their sweet treasures.

While Chakotay busied himself in the garden, Kathryn searched for the bucket they used to haul their harvests. When she returned, Kathryn stopped and watched the man she’d been married to for the last decade. Though he retained the majority of his faculties, Chakotay’s world was filled with a child-like wonder. The Sensory Tremens had gradually taken his mind to their planet so far away, where he resided happily, if a bit confused about other people showing up now and again. In his mind, she herself was two different people. The Admiral, who he seems to have a distrust of, and Kathryn.

As a result, she’d taken to rarely letting him see “the Admiral.” She’d begun to change into and out of her uniform in her office. That night was a rare exception, as it had taken her so long to recover from the Doctor's news that she had left the office in a frantic rush. She was thankful for his good day, oftentimes his reaction to seeing the Admiral was a bit more… opinionated. 

“Do you think this is enough?”

The question startled Kathryn out of her thoughts and she focused on Chakotay’s earnest face. Of its own accord, her hand pressed against his cheek. She glanced at his pile of berries and smiled. “It’s perfect.”

She didn’t quite succeed in keeping the sadness from her voice and he noticed. One thing that had never changed was his perception of her moods. “Why are you sad?”

She shook her head to clear it. “I’m not sad.” She forced a smile, “I’m just thoughtful today.” She handed him the pail, “let’s get those strawberries in here and head to the house to make dinner.”

As he scooped up his harvest and leaned against her to stand, Chakotay looped an arm through hers and led her toward the house. “Why are you thoughtful?”

She glanced at him as they walked. “Tomorrow marks a big anniversary since Voyager has been home.”

“Oh.” He nodded, and opened the patio door. “I was on that ship too.” He walked into the kitchen, turned the water on in the sink and dumped the contents of the bucket into it to wash the dirt away.

She followed, “You were yes.” While he cleaned the produce thoroughly, Kathryn retrieved the cutting board and knives to place on the counter so they would be waiting when Chakotay was ready to prepare their meal. “You were my First Officer.” She leaned against the sink to watch him wash. Watch his reactions.

“You were the Captain.” He set the clean fruit aside and Kathryn picked up a towel to dry them. “I helped you.” She nodded.

“You certainly did.” She gently transferred the strawberries into a bowl. “I couldn’t have gotten Voyager home without you.”

“I don’t like the Captain.” He said abruptly, then slammed his hand down on the faucet, turning off the water.

Kathryn was confused by his sudden change of mood. “What? Why don’t you like the Captain?”

He left the room and dropped hard onto the couch. “She wouldn’t let me near Kathryn. Just like the Admiral. I don’t like the Admiral either.” 

Ah, now she understood. “Chakotay…”

He suddenly got up and gave her an appraising look. She could see both anger and confusion in his shining dark brown eyes. He brushed past her and stormed into the bedroom. She followed, more than a little frightened. This was a new reaction.

She could hear items being tossed around and quickened her pace. She stopped short, when he suddenly appeared, her uniform in hand. “Where is Kathryn!” His angry voice echoed in the hallway.

“It’s me. Chakotay.” She held her hand toward him, “I’m Kathryn.”

“No!” He threw the hated cloth at her, “The Admiral came home, the Admiral changed and she’s wearing Kathryn’s clothes.” She backed off as he stalked closer and bellowed. “Where is my wife?”

Trembling in fear, Kathryn backed away. “I’m right here, my warrior.” She assured, trying to keep her voice strong. He had always managed to keep her two identities separate, even if she changed at home. She wondered what was different that time. Why could he not see the woman beneath the Admiral tonight?

“How do I know it’s you?” His face held a very real fear. “Don’t try to trick me. They tell me you are a trickster.”

“Who?” Suddenly, she knew who. It was they who were the tricksters.

“The voices!” He yelled as if she were supposed to know. “They don’t lie to me like you do.”

She straightened. “I have never lied to you, Chakotay.” She needed to get to the replicator for his medicine. While Chakotay’s mind peacefully resided on New Earth most of the time; when it was time for his daily dosage, those voices would threaten that peace. But Kathryn knew she had to be careful, in his current state, he would perceive the attempt to medicate him as a deception.

“Prove to me who you are.” His voice was lower and he was no longer on the offense. His stance was more watchful, but hopeful. It would be easier to get through to him now, she thought.

“When we planted the tomatoes,” she eased closer, her hands gently sliding over his arms, “you teased me about not being able to cook them properly.” She gave him a shrug and a partial smile. “You were right. I still can’t cook them worth a damn, but you like the uneven way I slice them.”

His arms wrapped around her and he pulled her in, “Kathryn. I missed you today.” He lost his footing and they sank together to the floor. “Please don’t go check the traps tomorrow. I want you to stay here forever with me.”

Kathryn held him tightly. “I promise. I won’t go tomorrow.” She resolved to call her assistant that night and cancel all meetings for the next day. What to do about the reunion party the next evening, she was unsure. She held Chakotay close, and whispered softly as he lay in her lap facing her belly and clutching her hip tightly. Kathryn closed her eyes to the tears that drifted down her cheeks.

_When I get lost, you stay behind_  
_When I’m falling you’re my strength, yeah_  
_Lift me up, you ease my mind._  
_Forever holding up my faith, yeah_  
_My heart is home with you_  
_My heart is home with you_  
_As long as the skies are blue_  
_My heart is home with you_  
_ Sung by: Upstate Written by Graham Colton/Chad Copelin ___


End file.
